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Who comes first? Hubby or baby?

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user4 posted this 17 May 2019

Who comes first in your household? Husband or baby?
My husband is very traditional, and lately he has been reminding me that the Bible says he should be first. He has been feeling neglected because I often don't cook him a hot breakfast, or prepare him a lunch for work. I am completely inundated and overwhelmed with everything baby needs. As a result, he suffers. The other day he even told me that he was jealous of her because she took all his attention away.
Can you believe it? Sometimes I want to tend to all his needs, and be a good wife. Other times I feel like he needs to put his grown man britches on, and take care of himself! Baby NEEDS me! She CAN'T take care of herself so that is why I put her first! Is this wrong, ladies? Please give me some good advice! I could use it!

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Mohini posted this 1 week ago

You love your husband, right? I would say that you need to talk this over with him.  It is a huge adjustment for you two and conversations need to be had in order to grow together not apart.  Your relationship with him comes first, but you both have a huge responsibility to your baby.  Talking together will help you know how to balance this.

Connie posted this 1 week ago

Husbands do come first if you want to keep them.  You married him and fell in love with him and that is why your baby is here.  Yes, you do need to care for your baby a ton, but that doesn't mean you can't involve your husband.  He is a critical part of your family and you need to let him know that he is appreciated.  Sometimes that goes a long way.  I would strongly recommend talking with him about your feelings and coming to an agreement on how you can help one another.  He is also there to help you.

Ellen posted this 1 week ago

Baby always comes first. You are completely right in the baby needs you more than any man. Even if he is very traditional, you are not his maid and the baby can't do anything without you. There is always a little jealousy from the husband but he should realize the first year of life is precious and needs your attention.

Kymere posted this 2 weeks ago

Always always always the baby. A grown man can take care of himself and he shouldn't put so much stress on you while you're obviously taking care of the baby by yourself.

Gina posted this 2 weeks ago

Baby first no matter what!! It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do

Kacy posted this 2 weeks ago

You're not wrong at all! He needs to grow up, baby comes first always!

kayla posted this 26 November 2019

baby first. it is a short period in your life that your babies will be babies, that you get to have them and take care of them. your husband needs to be supportive of all the changes in your lives. you have the rest of your lives to pamper each other. a


side note. you should read 5 love languages, because it seems like yalls are different, might give you both a little perspective. 

kayla posted this 26 November 2019

baby first. it is a short period in your life that your babies will be babies, that you get to have them and take care of them. your husband needs to be supportive of all the changes in your lives. you have the rest of your lives to pamper each other. a


side note. you should read 5 love languages, because it seems like yalls are different, might give you both a little perspective. 

Luna posted this 25 November 2019

For us child comes first. Our child has special needs and we've had to rethink everything we do and have done in order to give him the best life. We (my husband and myself) both feel very neglected, but that just reminds us that we are giving the greatest gift, which is to provide a loving home for our son.

Liana posted this 25 November 2019

I don't even know if I can calmly write about this topic. Baby always first because he's so young, but I try to keep it balanced and always remember that when my children grow up, I'm left with my husband. 

Lilliana posted this 25 September 2019

You are not wrong. My husband is very old-fashioned as well. It's not an easy place to be in.

Willow posted this 25 September 2019

This one is hard for me to answer simply because I see several sides. I understand husbands feelings, your feelings, and understand the needs of baby also. I think the best answer is that communication, on very real levels, are the only way to really address these concerns.

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Kelly posted this 25 September 2019

I do think a marriage needs to come before a child, since if both parents are happy with their marriage, they can be better parents.  But I don't think a happy marriage should be based on if you feed your husband.  Your baby can't feed herself, so she wins that battle.  

Megan posted this 25 September 2019

The best part of these replies:  COMMUNICATION. Your husband has expectations. If he does not voice them to you, how can you meet them? He expected a hot meal and when you couldn't do that, he was disappointed and felt unimportant. That doesn't mean you failed in any way. If you present your feelings without blame, he will probably be more than happy to help out more so the two of you can have time together. Also, I don't think it has anything to do with religion. If you don't follow every principle in the Bible, you can't just pick one and throw it out as important. The Bible is all or nothing. 

Jill posted this 19 June 2019

I feel like family life is all about shifting priorities. Things are always changing, and someone always has more needs than someone else. Right now you have a baby and your baby has the highest needs, so everyone needs to figure out how to work with that. Other things get pushed to the back burner because you have to prioritize the baby. As time goes on, that balance will shift, and then shift again. Spouses need to be partners in figuring out that balance. In my household we want it to feel like everyone is getting their fair share of love, support, and attention, with the understanding that "fair" does not always mean equal. If I'm the only one who can feed the baby, and I have to do that every 2-3 hours, 24/7 then no one else is getting as much of my attention as he is. 


I guess ultimately it comes down to the logistics of your day to day life. For now, caring for a baby is the primary driver of all of the other logistical decisions, and eventually it will be something else. The main thing is to talk to your husband about it and make sure that you are both on the same (or at least close to the same) page about what that looks like.

Jillian posted this 19 June 2019

I think this conversation has been, for the most part, really healthy and respectful.  It was refreshing to read opposing viewpoints without almost any judgment.

I am personally religious, my husband is not.  I don't subscribe to the idea that I'm my husband's servant, I think we ultimately serve each other in different ways and that's what makes a healthy relationship - I'm a SAHM (24/7/365/forever which I think he sometimes forgets), he works 60+ hours a week to provide for us (which I sometimes forget since I literally never clock out).  I do as much as I can around the inside of the house, I cook, I clean, I do everything with the kids.  He does all the yard work and he does the laundry (by choice).  

I DO agree with the previous poster who said that marriage comes first, in life, I think that should be true.  BUT.  This is a chapter of our lives, with really young kids, where it just can't.  They NEED us more.  My husband is an adult, I am an adult.  If he wants or needs help, he should ask and vice versa.  I try to do it all myself but sometimes I can't.  "It's a relation-SHIP.  If one of the crew jumps overboard, the ship sinks."  No one can do it all.  Especially not your baby - the baby can't do anything.  Baby comes first until baby becomes a toddler who can learn to be more independent.  

Sadie posted this 10 June 2019

My toddler comes first. I love my husband to death, however he is a grown man. He is capable of doing things by himself, and for himself. A baby/toddler 100% relies on someone else to provide care for them. Therefore, without a second thought, my toddler will ALWAYS come first!

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user9 posted this 05 June 2019

This post would have been so much better without bashing the woman's religion. There are a lot of men that are chauvinistic, and it has nothing to do with religion. There is so much more that I could say about this, but I am going to refrain myself from doing so. I will simply say this...

Ladies, lets keep it classy and refrain from bashing one another. Commenting on a discussion thread with the intention to insult someone is completely pointless and childish.

Goodness posts like this make me sad. Plenty of religious people are very proud to be religious, and I am proud to NOT be religious at all. I think it involves too much brainwashing and is extremely patriarchal as it was made by men. Hence the woman being pretty much a servant in most religions...

ANYWAYS...

I think there should be equality. If you don't have a good relationship with your partner, your child will 100% see it and it's so unhealthy for a child to experience that behavior. 

However, I believe the MOST important relationship is the one you have with yourself. You need to have self-respect, you need to be taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. If you are not well, you cannot be a good partner or a good parent in accordance with your true abilities. As they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot continuously give to everyone around you without losing yourself. Have your own hobbies, ideas, etc. Take care of yourself and you can conquer anything. 


I hate to break it to you but this is 2019 and we are all adults here and if you're responsible enough to be a parent then you can make your own damn breakfast 😂 Your husband was obviously taught these "morals" and has been brainwashed. Girl please save both of you and be open and communicate your thoughts. Don't remain silent, you'll become beyond resentful. 

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Melody posted this 01 June 2019

Goodness posts like this make me sad. Plenty of religious people are very proud to be religious, and I am proud to NOT be religious at all. I think it involves too much brainwashing and is extremely patriarchal as it was made by men. Hence the woman being pretty much a servant in most religions...

ANYWAYS...

I think there should be equality. If you don't have a good relationship with your partner, your child will 100% see it and it's so unhealthy for a child to experience that behavior. 

However, I believe the MOST important relationship is the one you have with yourself. You need to have self-respect, you need to be taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. If you are not well, you cannot be a good partner or a good parent in accordance with your true abilities. As they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot continuously give to everyone around you without losing yourself. Have your own hobbies, ideas, etc. Take care of yourself and you can conquer anything. 


I hate to break it to you but this is 2019 and we are all adults here and if you're responsible enough to be a parent then you can make your own damn breakfast 😂 Your husband was obviously taught these "morals" and has been brainwashed. Girl please save both of you and be open and communicate your thoughts. Don't remain silent, you'll become beyond resentful. 

Ella posted this 31 May 2019

I don't think I can add a comment after reading this! LOL! VERY, VERY well said!!! 

Before our baby girl was born, my husband commented that she will be the priority - and it was actually me who reminded him that we also need to prioritize our marriage, because otherwise it all falls apart! Now that she's here, I can tell he feels neglected sometimes but so do I! When I was working, he'd get home by 4, while I'd get home (with her) by around 630-645pm. She'd be hungry, tired, and cranky from a bad day at daycare (hence the reason I now stay at home), so I'd be busy with her and not be able to cook dinner. Would he offer or just do it? NOPE! 9pm would roll around and either I'd try to whip something up real fast or we just wouldn't eat. Frustrating. Then again, I was up making dinner (most of which I couldn't eat due to after pregnancy food aversions) two days after returning home from the hospital. 

Now that I'm at home, I make a point to do EVERYTHING! The only thing I don't do is mow the grass because our ginormous lawnmower intimidates me. I wake up when he gets out of the shower in the morning (otherwise I'd be bumping into him/using his hot water), do housework, side work, baby care, etc. and then will make sure to make dinner, etc etc; if thye baby is still awake, I wait until he comes to bed to watch her to take a shower. Usually she's still awake when I get out and he's fast asleep, so I get her to sleep and eventually go to sleep myself. 

I'm exhausted. But I was more exhausted when I was working full time too. 

Whew. Okay, I guess I needed to rant. But my point of this is: Both spouses will feel neglected until a routine is made. I'm exhausted right now but since he's trying to work a little extra so I can stay home with baby girl, I feel like it is my duty to pull extra household weight (plus it's almost everything I was doing while working too) and make sure everyone is happy.

If you look at articles from the 40s-50s, they are all about a woman's obligations to her husband. To a point, i actually do agree with them. If your husband is working his butt off to provide for the family, then you need to work your butt off to provide within the house. 

However, that does not mean both spouses should be taking advantage of one another. Husbands often do not understand the extreme baby aspect; my husband certainly doesn't. But I also don't understand how he thinks putting a pacifier in baby girl's mouth when she hasn't finished her nighttime bottle is right. 

Everyone is different, and every relationship is different, but communication is always the key. When my husband makes a snide comment about how long something takes me, i ask him how he would do it. try it his way, and figure out the best way to compromise.

*Suggestion for hot breakfast: try making stuff ahead of time - like a casserole or microwaveable sandwiches - that you can just heat up in the morning! 

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