10 September 2019
Because if you are like me - You think people will judge you so you won't tell your doctor. For me I knew it before we even left the hospital with our beautiful new son. I had been on 6 months of bedrest. I had a team of 6 high risk doctors running tests multiple times a week. I had lost one baby to placental abruption and had multiple losses in the following 6 years. I should have been happy. I should have been blinded with joy. But all I felt was searing pain from a 4th degree tear and I felt I didn't deserve this child I had just had seconds before. I battled severe anxiety before pregnancy, and it got more severe being stuck in bed with the constant fear I would lose this baby too. I am an active person, I am from a farming family, we cant just lay in bed all day. Somewhere in there my mind decided it would be safer to not bond with this baby as he would never make it. After seeing my healthy boy alive and well the anxieties only got worse. I stayed awake for 48 hours after 12 hours of labor and severe birth injuries. I terrified he would stop breathing in his sleep. I was terrified they would know I was so anxious and would take my baby from me. In my anxiety filled post birth haze I thought they would find me an unfit mother if I slept and didn't watch my baby. After 48 hours of no rest my husband finally gently told me he had called the doctor who he asked to give me a sedative to force me to rest. It fueled my anxieties even more when the doctor asked if they needed to take the baby for a while so I could rest. Then it reached an even higher level when the Doctor asked if I needed to talk about post partum depression and anxiety just 48 hours after birth. I Lied. I said i was overwhelmed and needed to just be left alone a few hours. I loved my baby more than life itself but I didn't fully believe he was mine. I didn't think I deserved him. I thought it would get better after we left the hospital since I would be in my own home where my anxieties could rest. Little did I know it would only get worse. Our poor little baby would have severe colic and severe reflux for 6 months. He slept in 15 minute increments every 2 hours. It never once crossed my mind to ever harm my child. Never. But I didn't like him. I loved him with all my heart, but with the colic driving my anxieties I felt like a worthless mother. I was so depressed I lost 80 pounds in 6 months. The doctors were worried, they kept asking if I felt any depression symptoms. My mind kept screaming that they would take my baby from me if I had Depression so I lied. Eventually things got easier and I came out of it on my own. But I regret not asking for help. I feel selfish now because I let the depression and anxieties steal those precious newborn days from me. I was there in the midnight hours rocking him and changing his diapers and nursing him and I never once faulted in my care for him. But my mind didn't allow me to bond with him until the colic had stopped. I know better now. I needed help and I needed to talk to my doctor.I needed to talk to anyone really. I needed to take medicine. I know next time I need to ask for help.